By Susan Ellis of KeyLifeJourneys

Suddenly the drama is playing out its final scene. Suddenly you realize it is too late to intervene. All that could, should have been done….it is too late to ponder what if. Everything is beyond your control. When will the end come? Should one stay? Does it now matter? Your energy is there, your thoughts and prayers are there. You’ve left the gentle music ...

<< MORE >>

Until you look death in the face you can deny its presence. But when you look at the body of the friend who has been some part of your life for the past 27 years and know there will be no more two-way communication, denial serves no purpose. Tammy said she had quality of life during her dying, she evaluated many days has having been good. Now it was time for a good death.

 

<< MORE >>

It was Thursday. The weekend was coming. I needed everything that a doctor could give me to be at my disposal. Tammy had been talking about not feeling good but she could not describe it as pain. Over the phone I shared with him the problem with the restless nights. The doctor agreed that subcutaneous medication was called for. He would prescribe a major tranquillizer – the sort used to treat schizophrenia and also an opiate derivative for pain. The nurse would insert ...

<< MORE >>

There comes a time when one must witness the body really crumbling; the decay wrought by cancer shows its destructive face with a vengeance. The fears of all touched by it lead to different reactions. For Tammy it showed itself as sleep filled days and restless nights. It showed itself as her needing to go independently to the washroom to pee – and she did. Certainly now she was excreting more urine than the body was taking in as liquid. Food was no ...

<< MORE >>

Rule #1 - never make promises to a person who is dying, that you cannot or don't intend to keep.

It is 6.30am as I write the first draft of this post at a table in a coffee shop. I have a heavy bacon/egg/cheese muffin before me and a black coffee. Through the window I see black silhouetted buildings back lit by an increasingly paling blue pre-dawn sky. The gliding snakes of headlights from drive-through traffic are endless.

 Night is endless to the person who is dying and cannot sleep. Tammy is afraid to take ...

<< MORE >>

There is a confused reality in the zone between sleep and waking. Life must be slowed down to a snails pace if it is to be understood. There is a pause before answering a question. There is a wait before action follows the decision to act. Tammy falls asleep in mid sentence and then five minutes later continues where she left off. Panic if life becomes too complicated - a shift change- new faces there when she wakes up. But with gentle reality orientation and answering her questions, she settles down to calm.

... << MORE >>

So Tammy probably still has pneumonia but the antibiotics are finished. Her cough is relieved by the cough medicine and inhaling Vicks vapors. I do a little clapping on her back; cupping my palms onto the ribs which now lie just under the skin. She is not eating enough food to nourish the heart muscle. She has chosen to have no more visitors. She does not have to "perform" any longer. She will see just the regulars who ... << MORE >>

When she learned that she was dying, Tammy wanted to come home to her cat. Scottie is a pretty 11 year old calico who was traumatized in her youth. With Tammy's love and patience she has become a one person cat. As soon as a second person entered her apartment the cat disappeared. Very few people have ever seen the cat. With Tammy's hospitalizations Scottie remained a one person cat - the feeder.

Now Tammy is never alone. How would the cat react? Well Scottie has adjusted. It's all about energy.
... << MORE >>

There is a marked change in functioning when one has pneumonia. Coughing disturbs one's rest but confusion enters the picture. Tammy shared that she was having difficulty distinguishing between sleep and being awake, that during the transition there were major changes in perception. Tammy often felt that there were more people present than there were. Often she would say something out of context and when questioned say "oh I was just thinking out loud."

With the first antibiotic there was a calm and frequent falling asleep. There are six pills to be ... << MORE >>

On Tuesday the home visiting palliative care doctor diagnosed Tammy to have pneumonia, caught in its early stages. I brought her the antibiotics he prescribed. He asked her first if she wanted them. She said yes, she wanted to live a little longer. Accepting palliative care gives one control of decision making, choice is power. Control is so important to people before they reach the stage of surrender and letting go. Being palliative is first processed at an intellectual level.

While in hospital Tammy made several life and death decisions firmly and ... << MORE >>

Tammy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a year ago. She underwent the Whipple procedure and then six months of Chemotherapy. She got about 2 months of plain sailing before a bowel obstruction heralded the onward march of the cancer. Tammy is now preparing to die at home with her cat beside her and all the support we can provide. She could have gone straight from the hospital to a palliative care unit but needed closure with her cat. She always had it in her mind that she would ultimately move to a care facility, but now feels comfortable ... << MORE >>

It seems to me that when I had time to give to my care giving I enjoyed the role; I relaxed into it embracing the physical contact and meaningful communication. It was easy to be patient and I was stimulated by creative problem solving.  But when I was rushed, juggling responsibilities, and when tired, the role became less of a healthy challenge and more of a stress filled burden. So we need to learn time management, acquire the ability to ask for help and get plenty ...

<< MORE >>

I'd never thought of birthdays as important milestones. But, after years of caregiving, I've drastically changed my attitude.

It started innocently, wondering, how many future birthdays I might expect until my independence was compromised to some degree, limiting my options on that special day.

Oh-oh! No longer would I approach birthdays simply as a number counted from the beginning. I would view them in reverse, in terms of what I could enjoy, if I knew exactly what I wanted, didn't leave plans to the last minute and took action ... << MORE >>

Caregivers and family members of people experiencing incontinence are constantly striving to provide the best care for their loved ones to demonstrate their affection. However, as many know, caring for their loved one's unique incontinence situation can be difficult.

Incontinence is not uncommon. Urinary incontinence affects more than 200 million people worldwide and nearly 25 million American adults are currently experiencing temporary or chronic urinary incontinence. According to the National Association for Incontinence (NAFC), incontinence characteristically affects more women than men. In fact, one out of four women and one out of ... << MORE >>

When we face major changes in our life - and becoming a care giver ranks as pretty major - we become aware of emotional turmoil within. I've just received this, as yet, unpublished article by friend and colleague Barbara McDowall of www.AuthenticLives.com I believe it illustrates a practice that care givers might embrace to remove feelings of helplessness and restore some emotional calm . << MORE >>

It is a cold winter's day here in Toronto. As I write this I look out at my bare garden, bereft of snow. It looks almost as if… But I know I can't go out and start digging, preparing the earth for planting. Looks are deceptive. Step out the door and I will be in sub freezing temperatures. Try forcing my spade into the earth and I will discover a solid mass, earth frozen hard as concrete. The timing is not right.
Care giving is like that. The timing is never appropriate. The conditions are never ... << MORE >>

Alzheimer's in the Family is a website I have discussed in these pages before. This is just a reminder that Suzanne Holman hosts a phone in care giver support group. These calls are on the second Monday of the month - like today. For more information
... << MORE >>

A Canadian T.V. show has recently aired a story on the work of an Italian physician trying to find a cure for his wife who has M.S. He has made the discovery that all M.S patients he has tested show the narrowing of veins in chest or neck. This is disrupting blood flow to the brain. He calls it Chronic Cerebro-spinal Venous Insufficiency. When blood flow is normalized with the Liberation Treatment, the functioning of patients with M.S. improves. << MORE >>

My website Keylifejourneys.com has always been one for those who see the journeys of their lives as spiritual ones. It started out as a website for care giving journeys and is forever expanding. As time marches on and new technologies make those of the past either obsolete, or less inviting, people find the era of the VHS video tape has past. However many of you still use the video cassette player. It is to those people that I now make this offer. For just the price of the shipping and handling, I am offering my video VHS tapes free of charge. Go to caregiver resources on my website to familiarize yourself with my care giving videos. Most are in the NTSC format, suitable for North America. But I do have a few PAL format suitable for playing in the U.K.<< MORE >>

November is National Caregivers Month and currently on the internet or by phone you can hook into the Comfort for Caregivers Telesummit. Available for three weeks are hour long talks by a team of experts - physicians, financial consultants, national speakers, healers, and professional caregivers - to help you succeed in your valuable role as a caregiver.  Each talk is available for replay for 24 hours after the original talk. All this is free of charge. If you want to have copies of the talks on hard copy, they are for sale.

On Thursday, November 5 at ...<< MORE >>

When the diagnosis comes and roles have to change, a caregiver is needed and is assigned. When it is a parent who gets sick it is usually the daughter or daughter in law who must take up the responsibility. A spouse is expected to care for a spouse.

With the changed role comes a changed life. The goals and dreams, the expectation of what was to come next, get dashed. When taking on the caregiver role, what were your plans for life? Were you looking to get promoted in your job, further your education, retire and start traveling, focus on bringing ...<< MORE >>

Reaching a diagnosis for many diseases takes a long time. Symptoms appear and there are tests. Symptoms are often denied by the individual or at first minimized by the professional. Symptoms may make past activity and work impossible causing great strain on family resources. In some situation changes in behaviour or memory are insidiously destroying relationships before they can be identified as symptoms of something being wrong. ...<< MORE >>

Nine years have passed since I lost the role of caregiver and began grieving the death of my partner from Multiple Sclerosis. I am forever changed by that experience. As I come in contact with others who have had similar journeys I realize that we all have gifts to share with each other.

This was not possible for people like my mother. When my father started getting confused and losing his memory she had to keep that information to herself. The society she lived in was one where you did not "air your dirty linen on the line." Any form ...<< MORE >>