By Susan Ellis of KeyLifeJourneys 
 

There comes a time when one must witness the body really crumbling; the decay wrought by cancer shows its destructive face with a vengeance. The fears of all touched by it lead to different reactions. For Tammy it showed itself as sleep filled days and restless nights. It showed itself as her needing to go independently to the washroom to pee – and she did. Certainly now she was excreting more urine than the body was taking in as liquid. Food was no longer of interest yet the illeostomy bag was filling with a black substance. The cough would come and go. On two days she coughed or vomited while coughing some vile coloured substances. Sometimes her skin was very jaundiced other times not. How does the on looker face all this?  It is not pretty. Slow death like this seems cruel. When Tammy has been so courageous why should she suffer now?

We could only live in the now; not what would be, but what was needed now. Tammy was impatient and critical of the paid staff and me. She wanted action now. Indeed she demanded action now. This is the face of one sinking out of control, lashing out at those who will not walk away. Similarly my sense of helplessness was stressful to me so I looked for the things I had control over. I seemed to be forever taking loads of laundry home to wash.

Tammy’s legs could no longer bear her and she agreed to let me move her about with the wheelchair. I phoned the on call palliative care doctor about the cough medicine. What had been ordered was a cough suppressant, yet Tammy was trying to cough, and after much stress, was coughing up phlegm. Did she not need and expectorant to help her? The doctor suggested that both could be used. The over the counter expectorant could be used during the day and the prescription suppressant at night. When the Personal Support Worker arrived to do the night shift I suggested to Tammy that she should try a diaper for use over night as getting into the bathroom from the wheelchair was very difficult.